As I pass the age of 20, I realized that I’ve only learn what NOT to do. Saying too much makes you look desperate. Don’t share your misery with someone you barely know. Smart people notice what your body language is saying, so you shouldn’t show a lot of body language. But, most of all, know when to avoid the crowds. Last night, I was talking to this guy who was offering me a job. We were talking about the possible help I can get from certain people and somehow it got a bit personal. AUTOMATICALLY, I started becoming extra aware of what I say. Then, I closed the conversation as fast as possible by asking him to go to sleep.
Getting to know someone is not as exciting as it used to be. We all grow up to get those battle scares from being close to someone. Then, we only come to one conclusion which is try your best NOT to do it.
I don’t know when did I learn to walk away from a conversation. I used to be open and talkative. I didn’t believe I should have secrets. But now, I’d rather write something personal on a blog than talk to someone about it. I don’t want to get used to telling someone what I feel or think. I start becoming vulnerable and uncomfortable.
The way I am thinking right now only lead me to one thing; a serious case of individuality. I spend most of my time either alone or with someone who basically knows nothing about me. The less they know, the better.
It’s not like I lake the skill to be popular. I remember a time not very long ago when I was suffering poisonous popularity. I used to have too many friends. I used to talk openly with almost anyone. I didn’t believe that anyone could hurt me.
Then, where is the hope?!
Well, I hope that this is growing up. I hope that this leads me to some sort of wisdom. I feel almost pathetic. And yet, I still feel that I’ll figure this out. I see a beam of light in the struggle. I think I might find something new soon.
Mosques in Egypt
Taken by rosario gambera on Flicker
I remember the orchestra of Azan in Cairo. It is the essence of being at home for me. I don’t know how I end up growing feelings for sounds and smells. I am usually not a sentimental person. Thanks Bro for the picture. I miss my home. I dream of a day when I go back home and have its welcoming embrace.
It’s not the bike that is tangled up; it is us who get tangled up in our regrets.
In the Europe and the West in general, you find men and women in a very old age still moving forward. They are still working on their health, money and social life even though they don’t seem to have so many years to live anyway. In the West, old people retire and wait for death by 45. I personally hear my mother already say the horrifying statement of “What is left in my life is less than what I’ve leaved already”. She had already been throwing that at me for the past 10 years, even though she is barely 50! Why is the first day of your life better than the last? We are born weak and we die weak. What is the difference? Live it all. Give every day and every age its importance. It’s beautiful to be old and wise as much as it is beautiful to be young and energetic. Life is hard, but it only gets harder when you give up. Tomorrow is always a new day even if you are 70. Make full use of your time on earth, don’t leave any leftovers.
Today, I was impressed to find in my search through Naomi Wolf’s articles that she had written about women only spaces. In the Middle East, we see women only spaces as a mean of repression. Usually, parents who have low faith in their girls’/boys’ behavior are those who push their sons and daughters into separated gender schools. These schools are usually associated with being boring and depressing. Some people have went to the extreme of saying that it is not a healthy environment for women specially because they grow up to be too shy to deal with the market.
She raised a simple point where the East and West meets. She said that there is a a fine line between healthy separation where women and men can explain themselves among their gender and unhealthy separation that is illogical and leads to the same effect of the masculinity of some societies. The point she is making is that women don’t want to create feminine societies; only a balanced one.
This article gave me hope that we as Arabs are really not that far from normal. Seeing that the West discusses the same issues as we do makes me realize that we are not that far behind. The beam of light I see here is through those who are ready to connect between the two worlds. I am hoping we can benefit and catch up. Lets keep moving forward, we can catch up.
I remember a day when I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed because the night before I had the worst heart break in my life. I was almost 19 and I had just broken up with a guy. The relationship lasted much longer than it should have and the guy already had started to build a new nest with a girl even before he left me. My heart felt heavy and my world seemed rather dark. Every step I took that day was almost like carrying around the green hulk on my back and doing stuff. It was the case in many other days that followed. I managed to laugh about it and keep going with hope that one day I will find something better. Time after time, I realized that what makes some people go mad due to pain is the losing hope. Hope is the fuel of our soles. If I don’t hope to find a job why would I look for one? If I didn’t hope to reach a better place in life, why would I study, travel, eat, breath? It is the moments of desperation which makes you realize why a person might commit suicide or cut themselves. I live in the Middle East and it is not a place where people like to hope all that much. It is not like they choose not to hope, but life flat out sucks around here. Finding a job here is almost a luxury. But, anyway, lets find hope in ever possible corner.
I’ll give you the first ray of light I found today. I remember when I was around 12, I lived in Egypt. I would go up to the roof of our house and gaze at the stars. All I could think of is that there is someone out there who is gazing at the same sky from somewhere really far. I would start making up stories in my head about how I’d be when I grow up, where I’d go and what I’d achieve. I still remember the feeling of depression I’d have realizing that most people don’t go anywhere in their lives. But, here I am. I am in London today. I am here for only 10 days, but it’s a start. I’ve produced my first documentary and I still have much more to learn. All you have to do is to sometimes take the risk and follow your heart. I still feel a bit bitter inside from a recent incident, but I am hoping it gets better.
So, to you all out there fighting to hope, I am here for you. I am someone that is struggling with you. Let’s hope for a better place and a better state. It’s the only way I see for life to blossom.